What I did to Feel Better

So, yesterday, I was having one of those "Ugh" kind of days where I feel bloated and fat and like I'm not accomplishing anything anymore. My clothes are beginning to look crappy and I just feel blah. I'm sure that my TOM has a lot to do with this, so thanks Mother Nature.

Anyways, all my pants are a size 24, except for my best-fitting jeans that are 22s. So, I went to the store and tried on A BUNCH of 22s to prove to myself that I am, indeed, a solid size 22 now and that it wasn't some fluke thing that the ONE pair of jeans happen to fit.

I didn't buy anything, but it sure made me feel good to be able to do it :)

...and to think that I used to wear a size 32.

80s Halloween Costume Video

Hello to everyone out there! Thanks to all the new followers! I'm getting close to 50! woohoo! :)

So, before we went out on Friday night, we did a quick little video of our costumes! We are SO ridiculously goofy. I thought I would share with you all ;) Special guest appearance made by my kitty, Fiona. Oh, and we are both standing in my home office - no, I do not have a small child living with me...Stuffed animals and other collectibles abound - that's just how I roll LOL

Ugh. Damn you, Halloween!

So, I've been über busy lately - yes. I've been drawing zombies and getting my household back in order and tending to projects and such... but I've also been hiding from my band, from all of you, from my food journal, and from my bad habits over the weekend.

I was catching up on blogs today and I read Joey's vlog and was having one of those "OMG - THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH" moments and I had no one to tell about it, so I thought I would blog about. Don't you hate that? When you have a realization of some sort, but you know that no one else would get it, so you have to keep it to yourself? Well, I've got all of you out there, so I can "tell" you and you'll "get it".

Just look at my desk drawer. 

Do you see something that shouldn't be there? Um, yeah, I DO. F'in skittles. Where did they come from? Left over from trick-or-treaters, indeed. But, if those skittle packs were the only problem, then I wouldn't be blogging about this.

The problem began when my last fill of .5cc's didn't do much yet again. THEN, I had a busy schedule and ate a couple of breakfast biscuits from fast food joints over the last couple of weeks and other "fast" items with less nutritional value than I would like. I've also been in such a hurry to move on to the next thing on the "To do" list that I've been eating too fast and getting things "stuck". Which sucks! Then when Friday night's Halloween party rolled around I had two pieces of pizza (which is no biggie...it's homemade and thin crust and DELICIOUS) but I had numerous fun-size candy bars. NUMBEROUS. They go down so easy.

I was forgiving myself for it all. Truly. I had planned this worry-free food weekend in advance and knew it was coming, then it would be over as well as the super-busy schedule and I could resume good habits.

And then, the day after the party, we had a late start and didn't eat B'fast until 3 in the afternoon. Therefore, I was STARVING and ate too much and too fast. I actually felt a little nauseous the rest of the day because of that and I've NEVER eaten that much since I've gotten the band.

The reason I still feel so guilty about all of it is that my brain is still battling the food demon. My brain was having fun and it doesn't want to let go of that good time! It was all-around just a bad last couple of weeks that culminated into a Halloween blow-out that I'm having a hard time kicking. Do fun-size snickers really have that big of a hold on my brain? Is there CRACK in those things or something?

I just don't know how to make it stop. It doesn't help that as I sit here my stomach is growling wildly for some food. *Le Sigh*... 4 more weeks until my next fill. I just want to run away for Thanksgiving. Tell everyone that I am deathly ill and run away to Las Vegas or something. Screw it.

I hope I get my motivation back. I hope my brain can turn these feelings off soon. It's like a bad relationship... Food has given me a black eye so many times. I've put a restraining order on it, yet when we have one good time together again, I'm falling back in love...

The Monday Rundown

Hello Everyone! Welcome to my new followers Gwen, Carmen, JanetandToby, and klrphotography! I think I'll cover my weekly goals in my Monday Rundown because It's been a hectic Monday so far!

• Thanks to everyone who took the time to read my last very long post! All your comments are much appreciated :)
• I walked 3 times last week for a about 45 minutes each time! That meets my goal of 3-4 times of at least 30 minutes.
• Water intake is improving very much! I still have to remember not to chug though! :(
• I wasn't able to try any new recipes last week...it was a pretty hectic week for me. I was lucky to make it to the grocery.
• My knees are sure giving me a lot of heck for all the walking :(
• I love my new Marshmallow JVC earbuds! They stay in my ears and it's amazing. No more jamming those little speakers down into my ear canals. These stay in place and the memory foam drowns out all background noise well!
• I might have to try the stationary bicycle soon. I read that for people who have those cracks and pops and "catches" in their knees that the stationary bicycle can help sort of grind down the spurs in the knees that cause those problems. I hate stationary bikes! So, booooo!
• I will have to do a review of the Android app called Cardio Trainer very soon! I like it better than the My Tracks app I talked about before. It's a very handy tool!
• I am down 1lb this week. I think the walking has caused some swelling and building of muscles this week!
• I hit my Halloween goal almost 2 weeks early! YAY! :)

Growing Up Fat.

This is a long post for me, but it's been very cathartic and eye-opening for me to write. I hope even though it's lengthy, others will take the time to read my story. I've really enjoyed reading what others have had to say on the topic.

Drazil & Linda have brought up a good discussion about childhood obesity - as in what should a parent do if they see their child is becoming overweight. That is a great discussion. Should the parent step in and take charge of the situation and perhaps cause the child to have self-image issues or should the parent let the child be blissfully unaware of the fact that their overeating could be leading to a life-time of obesity and possible ridicule? Obviously neither of those is the best choice, but what is the middle ground?

I do not have children, so I can not tell you what I would do in this situation. I can tell you what I *think* I might do, but who knows if that would work out, right? I can imagine it's a whole new ballgame when you've got your own children and see them dealing with these issues. So, given that, I won't even pretend to know what is right and wrong. Ever family is different as well.

All I can tell you is my story. I was a fat kid. I was THE fattest kid in every class I was ever in. I was bigger than the boys. I was the fat kid from the fat family.

However, lucky for me, I grew up in the best little podunk town ever. I never recall having been made fun of. I went to the same school from K-12 and everyone knew me and I guess liked me. And, on top of that, everyone had manners. Because of that, I never knew ridicule and teasing. I never knew that I was supposed to be ashamed of my size. I knew I was bigger than everyone else, and I knew I did not want to be bigger than everyone else, but I never felt particularly ashamed of it. More than anything, I just wanted to be able to wear the same clothes as everyone else.

My family was fat. All of them. We still are. We all struggled with our weight. We still do. So, lucky for me, I never had a skinny sibling or a skinny mom to compare myself to. I was just one of the crowd.

I was an active child of the 80s. I was always outside and rarely played inside. I road my bike, played in the woods, ran around, biked around the neighborhood and rarely watched copious amounts of TV.  I played basketball on a team every single year from 2nd grade until 7th grade. My mom never made a big deal out of my weight, but she would let me try to lose weight. I would initiate that on my own. Maybe she figured that I was so active that eventually I would burn it all off and grow out of it? Actually, that is exactly what she would tell me. She would tell me that if I kept up doing all the things I was doing that when I got older and taller I would grow out my size and I would be taller and more slender. I think it was a very good way to put it - it never made me feel bad, it just made me feel good because I can remember thinking that one day I would grow up out of this "phase"... It made me feel good, but I guess it was also a bit of a stretch because in my little kid mind, I thought that it would just happen and I wouldn't have to do anything to make it happen.

I can remember the summer after 3rd grade when I called my former teacher to inform her that over the summer I had learned how to ride my bike and lost 10lbs. I was so proud. This really isn't something that an 8 year old should be worrying about, but I did... I can VIVIDLY remember running around our yard in a little running path that I had mapped out for myself. I would challenge myself to run around it however many times. I would be huffing and puffing and singing "What's Love Got To Do With it" by Tina Turner as I ran. My mom didn't make me do that...she didn't map out a course for me. She didn't set a goal number of times to run around the yard - I did. I did that all on my own.

Eventually the fat held me back. I wanted to play basketball so bad, but I was embarrassed because the uniform never fit me right and the shorts were always riding up and the shirt was too tight. So, I didn't allow myself to play very well because the more I ran, the more those shorts rode up and I just knew that everyone was looking at me. Finally after the 7th grade, I quit basketball and become the bookkeeper for the Varsity boys basketball team. I was a smart kid and the coaches all liked me and knew I would do a good job. BUT, it wasn't what I really wanted to do. I wanted to play.

I don't recall my mom being a constant dieter, but I knew that she had been to a doctor about her weight before and that at one time she had been on a 600 calorie a day diet that the doctors had put her on. She still had all the papers and pamphlets from all of it and would get it out sometimes. We ate fairly healthy meals most of the time. It was just the in-between stuff that was so bad. We never had lots of snacks around the house. We would go on the weekend, get the snacks, and go home and eat them all in one sitting - and a lot of it. That was what made us fat. It was like a family binge eating frenzy.

Even to this day, my mom is in denial of the binge eating...I clearly remember my mom and brother and I going to the store and picking out chips, soda, several candy bars and snack cakes (plus anything new that was on the market so we could try it) and going home and eating them all while we watched rented movies together. It was truly ridiculous amounts of food. It was horrendous.

We hid the binges too. We hid them from my dad. Not because he was a mean, ogre who would call us all fat or do or say anything mean/violent. No...he wasn't like that. He was fat too! But, he just had a different kind of bad eating behavior. So, these binges would occur on weekends while my dad was on hunting or fishing trip. We would eat copious amounts of food and dispose of the evidence before he got home. Often we would get snacks at the grocery store or while we were out running errands, eat them in the car on the way home, and then toss the wrappers out the window on some old country road. (This makes me cringe now as an adult...littering is a BIG no-no in my book).We were hiding it for no other reason than shame. I don't think it was mine or my brother's shame...it was my mom's shame.

Eventually we learned the shame. This is the behavior that I learned from my mom that has lead to how I am today. Eating junk food is kind of like a private affair because I know there is going to be so much of it that no one else would understand and they would judge me. I can look back into the recent past and see how many times I exhibited that behavior. I introduced that behavior to my husband. Who never criticized me for it - he thought it was fun too! Then, we both kicked that habit together and continue to do so.

Even though I knew I was held back physically from my fat and hid binge-eating, somehow, I managed to grown up mentally unscathed by the whole situation.

There is one thing I will tell you right now - I love me. I love me no matter what size I am and I always have. I always will too. I've never let this fat hold me back from much besides physical activities. I'm not exactly an extrovert, but I'm hardly an introvert either. I will speak up in a crowd, but I may not get up and do karaoke in front of a crowd, ya know what I mean? I think that's just who I am and that may or may not have been because of the fat.

I've always had confidence and pride in who I am. I always allowed myself to be a wacky kid and I was interested in things that others may not have been. I wasn't afraid to be smart - even if it wasn't cool. I followed the beat of my own drum and didn't let peer pressure enter the picture. I was always way more proud of being a good student than being pretty or cute. I'm still that way today... I don't care if people thing my hobbies are dorky I don't care if I don't wear super stylish expensive clothes all the time - I would rather spend my money on something else.

I'm very happy that I grew up with that attitude. I'm happy I lived in a place where people were nice and respectful. I live in a place like that now too. I'm glad that I still have the same attitude and I feel lucky because of it.

I think the reason I am this way is because my family never made an issue out of being fat. We never had lots and lots of dieting going on. Nothing negative was ever said to me. I was always encouraged to be active when I wanted to be.

That environment gave me a good outlook on life mentally.
It did not do me any favors physically.

I'm not sure what my mom could have done to "fix" the situation. The only thing I think she could have done was "fix" herself so that her habits would be showing us an example. I don't think that if she encouraged us to eat well and exercise that would have given me a bad body image. Not if she continued to remind me how much she loved me, how pretty she thought I was, and how smart I was. I think that is mom had worked on fixing herself then no only would our food habits have changed, but she would have been free from the fat for once in her life. She was an obese child as well with some pretty awful experiences in her past. The priests at her Catholic school would give the boys a dollar if they could pick my mom up...pretty terrible stuff.

Later on as an adult I found out that my mom almost had stomach stapling surgery in the early 80s. She had the date set and went to her pre-op surgeon's appointment and backed out of it at the last minute. She had doubts about it. Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if she had gone through with it. The surgeries were not very safe back then, so in some ways I'm glad she didn't risk it. But in what if it had worked? How would that have changed the lives of my brother and I? How would that have changed her life?

My mom's struggle with weight breaks my heart. She's only 63 and she's almost immobile because of the weight's wear and tear on her body. At 59 she had to have her hip replaced. She lost my father 4 years ago when he died of a heart attack. A heart attack that was caused in part by fat. All of this is what makes me cry as I write all of this. Not me. I can fix me...I have control over me. I don't have control over her. I didn't have control over my dad either. I can't fix them and that makes me so sad because I want to. I want to fix the parent that I have left so that I can have her in my life longer.

I love my mom. I can't really blame her for my being fat. I don't think that's totally fair. She was a wonderful mother and still is. It's not like she meant to teach us bad habits. She did those things unknowingly. Because I've been fat all my life, I have to deduce that the habits I learned from her as a child is what set me on the course I am on today, but I still wouldn't change a thing. When it comes down to it, the fat made me who I am today. It taught me a lot about who I am and what I'm REALLY made of, so I have to be grateful for that experience.

But, I'm not going to keep it around forever. I've learned what I needed to from it and It's time to say our goodbyes.

My Thursday Things

It's just another manic Thursday Whoa-oh-whoa!
Time for another list of things going on!

• I was just made aware of an individual with the unfortunate name of "Lady Cox". Firstly, who names their daughter "Lady"? Isn't that a name reserved for dogs and drag queens? Secondly, she's married. I would have been like"Honey, I'm sorry, but I can't take your last name, you can see that my reputation is at stake".
• The scale is not my friend when I am swollen and miserable. My legs have been swollen and yucky ever since I started my exercise walking. My hands are even swollen in the mornings. I hate it.
• No breakfast this morning. Our morning was a bit of a disaster. My darling husband got the worst of it. He forgot to put the coffee pot under the coffee maker last night...so, when the auto-timer went off this morning, the kitchen floor was drowned in Dunkin' Donuts... Poor husband, he cleaned it up like a trooper. 
• My stomach is a growling symphony today. It's making sounds I have never heard before.
• I will walk again tonight...even if I'm swollen and achy.
• I can't believe it's already Thursday...I've got a lot to do this week and I'm running out of week to do it in.
• Went grocery shopping last night because we were out of everything. My receipt was a thing of beauty. I hit a great sale AND I had $15.55 worth of manufacturers coupons. I saved almost $60. I was so proud of my frugality. :)
• Really excited about some clothes that I'll be getting from the "My Rack to Yours" sisterhood. Jen over at What You Lookin' At Skinny is a sweetie for being so generous.
• Today I am wearing the only outfit that I own that I actually like. Too bad I sit behind a desk all day and no one will see it. I might take a pic in the lady's room mirror and share since no one else will see me LOL ... but I'm sure it won't look as good in the pic as I feel wearing it.
• Work just exploded, so I have to cut this short! The pile of papers on my desk ate a project and I just regurgitated it for a quick turn-around.

Hope everyone is having a fabulous week!

Beautiful Apocalypse...

I always have Apocalypse dreams. I've had several of them in my life-time and they are always scary and vivid. Usually it's fire or disease that has taken the entire world down, however, last night I had a different Apocalypse dream...

I was in a field with the most lovely sunset light. I was with a crew of people with movie cameras. Apparently I was the assistant director of photography for a film that was about post-apocalyptic America. It wasn't a negative dream though... The movie we were making was positive. It was about the re-birth of the land and the re-growth of the earth's flora & fauna. It was about man's emergence into this fresh, new earth. It was so vivid and instead of being one of those whacked out dreams where nothing is feasible, this one was perfectly realistic. We were sitting around discussing what time we filmed the scene the day before so that when we filmed additional footage that day, it would match the lighting of the previous day. All I really wanted to do is watch the beautiful sunset.

All day I have been thinking that I wish I could watch the movie that I had formulated during my dream. I think it would make a great movie...

With almost all of my dreams, I can see where they come from. The scene in my head was inspired by a photographer friend of mine who posted a photo the other day of this beautiful afternoon light glazing over a tall grass meadow (this photo is hers, I gave her credit, but didn't ask if I could post it because no one I work with knows about my blog...I don't think she'll sue me :)). The  "assistant director of photography" must come from my real job, but I don't work in video...I do art direct and work with photographers, but not video.

Then, I gotta wonder if the rest is about my journey... A new beginning, ya know? A whole new world for me to explore...

That's a nice thought.

Weight Loss Questionnaire

I found this questionnaire via All The Weigh. She found it via Never The Skinny Girl. It's a GREAT questionnaire that is very much focused on our journey. I hope others will copy and paste this onto their sites. I would love to read ya'll answers!

1. What was your highest weight, what do you weigh right now and what is your goal weight?
My highest weight was somewhere around 379lbs - that was in 2006-2007. I might have weighed more and not known it, but I can remember seeing "379" come up on the scale at the gym and I was astounded and I knew that I couldn't keep going on like that. Right now I weigh 288 and my goal weight has always been 200, but honestly, I'd rather see 190. That way I'm in onederland, but I just can't imagine being 190lbs...I guess it just seems so out of reach for me...

2. What is your #1 motivation for losing weight?
It's something that runs in my family and I have seen obesity be responsible (in part) for my father's death at age 62 and my mother's practical immobility. It hurts me so much to see my mom this way. I love her and I want her to be better. I see my future through my parents and I can not do it to myself any longer. As soon as I got on my own and had my own insurance I began doing everything I could to conquer this, and it ultimately led me to LapBand. I want the use of my knees back and I don't want to be a burden on my husband or family one day.

3. Have you always been overweight?
Yes. It has been a life-long struggle. I was pretty normal until around age 4 or 5, I'd say, then you can tell the difference. Every year it just got worse.

4. When you want to give up what inspires you to keep going?
I'm still in the "honeymoon" stage of this LapBand thing, so I haven't felt like giving up much yet. As long as I'm seeing progress, it keeps me motivated. The changes I have already seen in my well-being keep me inspired and EVERYONE in blog-land keeps me inspired beyond belief. Amy over at Cheese and Sunkist was the very first band blog I ever found and I was so inspired by her. When I found her blog, I realized that she weighed the same starting out as I did at the time. Seeing how far she had come and how amazing she looked gave me hope. A hope I have never had before. I have always been overweight, so I don't know what it would be like to not be overweight and seeing her and others that have done it are the MOST inspiring thing for me, Hands down.

5. What is the #1 thing you look forward to when you hit your goal weight?
Being healthy. I have to admit that I am SO curious as to what I will look like thin (and in my book 190 is VERY thin). I have never seen myself that way, so it's like I'll have to introduce me to myself.

6. Do you have support on your weight loss journey?
I do. My husband is a HUGE supporter and has been there for me all the way. I am able to do this because of his support. He loves me no matter what and I know that with all my heart and all my soul. He married me when I weighed 379lbs. He doesn't care about the weight, he just wants me to be with him for the rest of our lives and he wants me to be healthy enough for that to be a LONG time. So do I.

7. What is your favorite exercise?
I honestly don't like exercise very much. Ugh. I wish I did. I like my simple little stepping plan on the Wii Fit. I like walking when the weather is awesome like it is now. I like anything that has to do with being in the water. I think my favorite exercise are things that aren't in the form of exercise like the excursions you go on while you are on cruises or something. You are walking around in the jungle sweating your ass off, posing for pictures, seeing the awesome sites and having fun not realizing you are burning 1,000's of calories in the process. Too bad I can't go on cruises every day after work, right? :)

8. What is the most important thing you have learned on your weight loss journey?
I'm not sure yet. This is still very new to me. I know there are things I need to learn...
I wish I could figure out how to keep myself from doubting that I'll ever been 190lbs.

9. What is one thing you have given up that you miss the most?
I haven't given up anything completely. I do stay away from bread and sweets but I have had those things since I have been banded too. Only when appropriate. Only in small amounts. I don't want to be on a "diet" for the rest of my life. That is one of the reasons I chose the band. I want to learn to live in moderation and I know that my body/mind needs a tool to help me do that.

10. What is your strategy for losing weight?
So far, I watch calories and eat small portions with my emphasis on protein (of course). I don't watch carbs or fat very much. I find that those tend to work themselves out when you watch the calories. I don't have high cholesterol or high blood sugar, so I am lucky in those regards. But, I stick with the simple plan that you need to burn more than you consume. It worked for me before the band (I lost 40lbs during the year-long process of getting approved for the band) and it's still working for me with the band as well.

My 86-Day Almanac

My 2nd Post of the day... I just keep thinking of stuff to write about...I guess I should save up some ideas for when I run out of things to say, but this one is an "in the moment" post, so I should go ahead and get it out here now!  Thanks to Drazil and NotJustAWallflower for the inspriation for this post!
Welcome to my new followers: Liz, Linda, Andy & Janelle

86 days. That's approximately 12 weeks from now. I can hardly believe that 2010 will be coming to an end so soon! So, I think what I am going to talk about is what the rest of my 2010 will be like and a little about what is coming in 2011 as well as what my goals for the next 86 days will be. I wanna make the most of it! So, I thought I would make an almanac of my remaining 86 days. I want to try and "predict" my journey over the next 86 days. Maybe writing a guide for myself will help me think through the challenges ahead.

October 2010
Halloween is coming up! I love love LOVE Halloween. I've got a party to go to on the 29th with an 80s theme, so that'll be fun. The host and hostess are known for some AMAZING pizza. The guy makes it all by hand. It's all thin crust and it's probably not THAT bad for you compared to regular pizza because it hardly has any toppings. I'm sure there will be plenty of sweets there and all over my office as well! I'm pretty good at resisting candy though. But, I'll probably save up my calories for that splurge. Thank you LapBand for setting limits for me!
Forecast for Ocotober: Breezy with a 99% chance of success.
Predicted Weight loss by end of month: 12lbs
Lucky Days: 10 & 29
I think I can make a lot of progress the rest of this month and get myself set for the upcoming holidays. The more days you can stay on plan, the easier it is to deal with temptation.

November 2010
Thanksgiving. I think I can get through this one without a problem. We'll go to my in-laws where they don't cook as much or as well as my mom :) That makes it easier. PLUS, if we have it there, leftovers stay with them and don't have to sit around my house to taunt me. Thanksgiving isn't too bad at the office. People usually bring out the baked goods at Christmas time, so I am clear for another month. I'll get some extra time off for the holiday which I hope won't through me off too much - I do better with a routine and being at work actually helps me keep my routine.
Forecast for November: Light winds with a 90% chance of success.
Predicted Weight loss by end of month: 10lbs
Lucky Days: 15 & 30
 I think that Thanksgiving will be a test of will power for Christmas. I know that the food won't be as tempting and hopefully I can get another fill in before the holiday so that I have more control. Hopefully I can continue to lose during Thanksgiving break.

December 2010
December is going to be a toughie. I'll be traveling to Austin, TX for a while to visit some family, so there will be food on the go to deal with. Then, of course there is Christmas. I've got family coming in. Family that loooooves to eat and looooooves to cook. We'll have all the food over at mom's so that will make it a little easier, but I will be spending a lot of time over there. I know that no matter if I've got this major life-changing journey going on that others will proceed with the eating all around me. Holidays are the hardest because there is food around that isn't around any other time of the year, ya know? There are certain things you only make at Christmas time - like my mom's peanut brittle. Work is going to be killer - I have a feeling that there will be lots of holiday treats, freebies, lunches, etc. That will be hard. When food is just hanging around the office, that is the worst! The last glorious holiday of December is my anniversary. I'll be married for 4 years on Dec. 28th. We have already been together for 9 years! Wow! I'm not sure if we'll have anything planned or not...with family that might still be in town, it's hard to tell, but I'm sure that the two of us on our own can find plenty to do that will be fun and doesn't involve food. The other thing about Christmas that is good and bad is the looong break I get from work...2 weeks paid vacation. It's awesome! However, it's bad for routine. SO very bad. I do so much better when I have my work schedule to keep me straight. Weekends are just enough time, then I need to get back to that routine that keeps me able to control my eating habits.
Forecast for December: Cloudy with a 75% chance of success.
Predicted Weight loss by end of month: 8lbs
Lucky Days: 19 & 28
I think I can manage to make it through all of this without ruining anything. It's going to be hard, but I think I have the willpower to do it. I think that I will have a couple of weeks where losing might be out of the question, but maintaining might have to do. I'm not going to turn down Christmas dinner, but I won't be able to eat much. I'll be able to turn down most of the Christmas desserts, but I know that it's impossible to think I won't have a nibble of something. That's just unrealistic.

Goals for my 86-Day Almanac
In 12 weeks, I should be able to lose at least 24lbs at 2lbs per week. But can I do more? I think I can. I really think I can do way more than that. I need to be aggressive. This first few months is when it's the easiest to lose and I want to take full advantage of that. I've just started on exercise goals for this week, but I think I'm going to take it a step farther and expand them for my 86-Day Almanac. Here is my comprehensive list of goals:

• 36 additional lbs gone by December 31, 2010 (that would leave me at 255)
• Exercise routine 3-4 times a week on average for at least 30 minutes (a total of 36-48 times)
• Take my vitamins every single day
• More protein - which means one protein shake a day to help supplement
• Maintain my Healthy Living Diary and write down my food/calories/protein/exercise every day

What happens in 2011?
We already have some plans in 2011! It just so happens that on my one-year bandiversary (August 11th), we will be setting sail on a cruise to the Bahamas with a group of friends. It wasn't planned that way, but it'll be a great way to celebrate. I hope to be celebrating a loss of 100lbs (post op). My goal for August 11th, 2010 is 220lbs. I would like to see my goal weight of 200lbs by December of 2011. I will probably revise my goal after that. Right now the idea of being in onederland is too intimidating, so I'm sticking with something realistic for me right now.

I'm also looking forward to my 15 year high school reunion. I'm not sure when it will be, but I'm pretty sure that unless I stop losing weight right now, by then I'll be thinner than I was in high school! Which will be pretty sweet! I can't wait to show up lookin' good with my cutie husband on my arm. :)

I Wish Wednesday

I wish I had more money for clothes. I just looked at myself in the ladies' room mirror and I look ridiculous. I wish I could go home and change clothes. I look like I have on pajamas. Everything is baggy and stupid looking. I might actually change clothes during lunch today I am so embarrassed. I look fatter than I actually am too...my body is hiding under all the shapeless clothing I have on.

I think I might have to break down and buy a few things. I just didn't want to spend too much on clothes that might not fit by the end of fall... I already checked all my discount stores and I couldn't find any cheap stuff (at least not cheap enough for the likes of me, Ms. Frugal Pants). Everything on clearance right now is capri pants and what-not and I need long pants for fall/winter...

The Monday Rundown

So, I thought that today's blog post would be best served as a bulleted rundown of my weekend and thoughts, so here we go!

• How come when you lose weight and go clothes shopping, you see a GAZILLION items that would have fit you before, but nothing that would fit you now? I saw 4x & 5x bargains GALORE, but nothing that would fit me now. Dang it :(
• I need boots for the fall/winter and while my feet are also shrinking, I still have clown feet and I need an 11W at the very least. So, I ordered some from Jessica London online and I'm hoping that they will fit OK and be comfy. It's so hard to tell. *Le Sigh*
• I did get a pair of work pants for $6.99 and they were size 22/24...and they were roomy because that particular style was extremely roomy. But, it still made me feel good :)
• Food has been all around me for the last 5 or so days...I've been eating it, but only in small portions. It's been hard because some of it has been slider foods, so I could eat a lot more of it than I should. But all-in-all, my willpower is there and I think I've been handling it well all things considered. Thursday night was a banquet with a Tuscan theme, Friday I invited mom over for dinner, Sunday was my FIL's Bday, and today is a free lunch buffet with my co-workers at the Italian restaurant in the conference center here. I'm doing fine with it...still losing, but I can't wait for all the temptations to be over! 
• I'm starting to understand that whole "I'm still a fat girl on the inside" mentality. Well, partly because I'm faaaaaar from goal weight. I mean I just started! But, everyone tells me how good I'm looking, whereas I feel better and can tell the difference, I still have a hard time seeing it sometimes...especially when picking out clothes...I have a hard time deciding what I can fit in because I haven't been this size in....maybe High School! I dunno...I didn't have a scale back then and I didn't keep up. It seems like I've been "the biggest size they carry" since I was in grade school.
• I need to get into the exercise routine. I've been doing a lot of shopping and walking around, but I'd feel more like I was doing something productive if I at least did the wii fit a few times a week. I'm really bad about incorporating exercise. I'm hoping that the more I lose, the more I'll want to because moving will be easier on my knees.
• I still have some incredibly annoying muscle pulls & aches/pain in my left side near the port area and back toward my back. It's like I did an oblique work-out from hell or something...
• I updated my "about me" section with a photo of me and my wonderful husband. He is a huge part of my success and a great support. Don't judge our corny cruise portraiture...it's like prom pics for adults, but I love them anyways! hahaha :)
• I added a "my journey" page at the top that tells the story of my process to get banded. It might be of interest to anyone who is still in the process of getting approved.
• Thanks to all my new followers and for everyone's comments! I get so excited when I see someone else has followed me and comments on what I'm saying. It means a lot to me :)

My Hobbies Make Me Fat

Recently, I've been doing a little painting at work (this is a pic of 3 of my 4 mini paintings). Our group of designers has been painting these small canvases for table centerpieces for a Tuscan-themed awards event. For some reason, it got me thinking about how my hobbies effect my life. Especially since I've got lots of other artistic endeavors in my life right now that take up a good bit of time. 

I'm hardwired for creativity. That's my thing, it's what I do, it's what I crave to do with my life and my time. However, my favorite hobbies are not ones that are super active. I wish I loved exercise. I wish I loved hiking (which I do like hiking, but my body does not, and I live in a sweltering hot climate as well). I like to draw and paint and design things on my computer. Guess what that gets me? Lots of time SITTING. Lots and lots. I do freelance design from home, I run my own group of art folks in another online dimension where we exchange hand-drawn art 4 times a year and I am part of another group that does a graphic design 'zine that is awesome. I get high off of creativity. I wish I got high off of exercise.

Is it my fault that the things I enjoy happen to be sedentary? I know that the key to life is "everything in moderation" but, I barely have time to squeeze in the things I love, let alone the things I don't (aka: exercise). I guess there are hazards to every hobby - including people who do active hobbies. One day the guy who mountain climbs for fun, could break a limb that causes him to have a limp forever... who knows. But, my hobbies have an immediate effect.

This is just an observation from my corner of the world and I'm about to generalize and sterotype a little bit. Since I have made you aware of the fact that I know I'm doing it, hopefully ya'll won't get too pissed off :) Just know that I love all people - any shape, size, background, and personality type... I get a long with folks and I do embrace the differences. What a boring world we would have without them! Anyway, back to the generalizing and sterotyping...

How many creative jocks do you know? How many people have you ever met who are way into fitness AND draw, paint, etc.? I've noticed that it's not a combination I've ever ran into. There are a lot of health guru's in the creative world. They are the ones who aren't after six-pack abs, but are about the organic side of health. I also get the feeling that they aren't always about the exercise either. A lot of times they don't exercise a lot, they just do enough to maintain their bodies and a lot of times they are kind of sensual tree-hugger types. I've just never met a gym rat who has a creative bone in their body. It's almost like it's a personality combination that just doesn't happen...somehow brains can't be hard-wired to enjoy both of those activities.

I think that creatives tend to be more into food that other people. Something about that sensual side of our brains that admires visual forms and conceptualizing taps into the part of the brain that loves the rush that you get from something that tastes good. Food in and of itself is creative. It's a mastery of blended tastes and the art of making that work. Cooking is definitely a major form of creativity. It happens to be one area that I don't enjoy (how ironic...I don't like to cook it, just eat it).

I'm not really sure if my random observation makes any sense to anyone else but me! Sometimes I just get all introspective about myself and try to figure out what makes me tick. I am who I am. Artsy and full of head-hunger....I just want to be a healthier me. It may not have been a part of my initial design, but I'm in the process of performing an upgrade. I wish it were as easy as that. Insert a disk...install program...and viola! A new, healthier me. Me 2.0. ha :) But I would only be available for the Mac. Gotta love nerdy design humor!

Distracted? Me? No!.... wait, yes!

Back in April of 2009 when I decided to pursue getting approval for LapBand surgery, I began jumping through my insurance companies hoops and cutting all their red tape. I had to be on a doctor-monitored weight loss schedule for 6 months that included monthly visits, weigh-ins, and "evidence" that I had tried to make progress on my own.

I was so glad that I had to do this. Yes, it slowed me down, but I got to know my doctor's office and build a relationship with them (I ended up going 13 months in a row!) and learned a lot about the state of my health. I learned that I do have arthritis in my knees, that I had high blood pressure, and that my cholesterol was great! I learned that B-vitamins are so important, and I finally figured out why my memory had been SO terrible.

I originally thought that my memory was related to poor nutrition or something. I couldn't focus on anything and I couldn't remember a task for more than 1 minute. Someone at work would ask me for a file and then 2 seconds later, I'd forget to send it to them. I was easily distracted and VERY forgetful. It was beginning to really cause a problem at work (I think it was more a personal problem of me being stressed because I couldn't remember things than it was the bosses getting tired of me forgetting). When I talked to my doctor's office about it, the first thing they said was "Have you ever been tested for ADHD?". No. I never thought about it.

She gave me the test (similar to this one online) and WOW. I was checking "yes" more often than not and I was thinking "This is my life!" They gave me a low dose of the adult ADHD drug Vyvanse to try out. Initially I was on 40mg because they want a dose that is low enough and still works - especially if you have high blood pressure. I think they only allowed me to take this because my blood pressure wasn't sky high, just moderately high...

At the time, I wasn't so sure if I believed in adult ADHD - it seemed like a cop-out or something for being a lazy spazoid, but once I tried it, it made a HUGE difference. I can focus, I remember things easier, and I get things done which alleviates a lot of stress. I get stressed out when I have these big "to do" lists and when the list gets too long, sometimes I just shut down all-together. That is not good. The longer things remain unattended to, the more stressed I get. Stress is not good.

Why am I reminded of this now, you ask? And what does this have to do with WLS?

Well, in preparation for LapBand, I took a little Vyvanase vacation. In my mind, I wanted to make sure my blood pressure was as even as possible and thought that not taking it for a week, would do that. That though process was my own - no medical person ever told me that. I don't go stark raving mad when I don't take it, but I do lose focus over time. During my recovery, I was also off of Vyvanse and have since have not been on it regularly.

I have been so distracted and scattered for the last few weeks (just read yesterday's post) that I decided that I have to pick it up again. I don't function nearly as well without it! I'm on 50mg now and that is plenty for me to function, but not have the sleeplessness that can be a side-effect. I think I have more sleeplessness the longer I go withOUT taking it!

One of the side-effects is described as "decreased appetite", but I would describe it more as a "blocker of obsessive food thoughts". It's not why I began taking the medication, but I can tell you, that it really helps me control all obsessive thoughts that lead to over-eating or unhealthy eating. Even with this commitment to a healthy life-style, I will obsess over healthy foods as well. I haven't given in, but I will spend all day searching for a recipe. This drug makes me not care so much about what I eat as long as it's good for me and fuels my body. It makes me care less about the experience of eating and more about the necessity of it. It doesn't take the pleasure out of food, but it takes the greediness out of my brain. Alleviating the stress of being mentally unorganized also helps by lessening the chances of my eating out of frustration. Which I realize I am prone to do.

I've been thinking about talking to a psychologist about it and getting my prescription handled by them rather than my general practitioner's office. For one, they may give me a script that includes refills rather than having to pay $10 for a refill request. For another, I can reassure myself that this is the best medicine and the best dose for me. AND, lastly, I get to "talk it out" with someone who understands. Even if it's just that once, I think it might have a positive effect on my successful loss with this LapBand, ya know?

It's time to get back on track mentally. Now that my body is on track, the brain needs to follow suit!

Obsessed with my New Life

Maybe it's just the newness of my situation, but I feel obsessed with my Lap Band lifestyle. Pre-op I was obsessed with getting started - constantly reading blogs, gathering books and info, reading about people's experiences on the ObesityHelp forums, finding recipes, and researching/buying gadgets that might help me post-op. I thought that once I had the surgery and could actually BEGIN, I would stop the obsessiveness, but it hasn't stopped yet.

I can't wait to go back to normal. I can't concentrate on work or on home. I just think about my weight, my progress, and my slimmer future 24/7. At work I'm looking at blogs, looking at recipes, and reading forums instead of work. I also just itch to exercise because during the working hours is when I have energy. But no, I have to be here strapped to my desk!

I hope that this is just a phase and that eventually my brain calms down and goes back to normal. My lack of interest in other aspects of my life is alarming. My usual hobbies are falling to the wayside in favor of more "research" about my new life as a WLS patient. It's not a completely negative thing - I think it shows how serious I am about making this work for me, but it does stress me out a bit because I have other things I should be doing and I don't want to do them.

It's like I need a week-long sabatical from work so that I can spend the whole week obsessing over all this guilt-free and maybe that would get it out of my system? LOL

Friday BYOC - Bring Your Own Craziness

1. Last week we asked your favorite thing about being an adult. This week the question is: what is one thing you miss about being a child?
The pure elation that I got from pouring over the Sears Christmas Catalog. I kept several of those from years past in my bedroom at all times. I would sit on my bed and look at every single page and dream about what it would be like to go on a toy shopping spree! LOL

2. When you make a serious life decision – do you use your head or your heart?
I use both. I'm a pretty practical person, so I rarely make a decision that is ALL head or ALL heart. And if it's a SERIOUS decision, then it's something my husband would have to weigh in on as well. I have known to make some purchases on a whim though!

3. In relation to blogs….are you a never commenter, a sometimes commenter, an almost always commenter or a direct emailer kinda person?
I'm a sometimes a commenter kind of person. I won't comment unless I really feel like I have something to add the conversation. I will comment if I want to thank them for sharing the information as well.

4. If life was a flavor – would it be savory, sweet or sour?
Definitely sweet! I love my life!

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in life or in blogland.
Well, in blogland, I have started this blog and I am enjoying it very much! Hopefully others will read along and I can add something to the group of Lap Band bloggers out there!

In life, this week has gone by so quickly! I can't even remember Monday. The most amusing thing of the week is probably my crazy cat Friday...on Tuesday morning he ate a Breathright® strip out of the garbage can and later that day fell into the toilet. He's a wacky little guy! The best news of the week is probably my 3lb weight loss! Yay! :) This weekend I'm going to have to buckle down at home and work on a freelance job. Yay for extra money! Boo for an entire Saturday spent in front of the computer :(

Just call me Miss Draggy Britches

It's Friday! It's jeans day! The problem is, most of my jeans are very, VERY loose and by the time I sit in them for work for 4 hours, I've got problems. I went to the ladies room and stood in the mirror, lifted up my shirt and you could see 3 full inches of undies because my jeans are far past my waistline.

I can not put my cellphone in my pocket because the weight pulls my pants down. No lie.

I do have some pants that are smaller. I don't know why I don't get them out. It's like I don't believe that they would fit yet. It hasn't sunk in that I am shrinking and I don't have to buy the largest size available anymore.

And on another good note, I stepped on the scale this morning to find that I am down 3lbs from last Saturday. WHOOT! If things keep going this well, I am sure to make my OH challenge goal of 14lbs down by October 31st!

My So-Called Obese Life

I was scanning blogs today and ran across one of those "answer the question" posts where the question was "If you could change anything about your life, what would it be?" things. Since my weight loss journey has been the only thing on my mind lately (yeah, work is going to start noticing soon, so I better get my arse in gear!), I was thinking about whether or not I would change the fact that I have been overweight all my life.

I can answer it very easily. No. I would not change the fact that I have been big since childhood. I honestly think that it has been a big part of making me who I am today. I learned to truly love myself despite always being bigger than anyone else I knew, including men. I have learned how to make others see who I really am and have learned how to let others know me and love me despite the social stigma of obesity. Those are invaluable lessons.

I never grew up relying on my looks to get me anywhere. I had to be smart, nice, and talented and have had to work hard to earn everything I have ever gotten. Don't get offended thin folks - this is not to say that just because you aren't fat, you do these things, but I see it all too often among men and women alike. It seems like the tall, handsome guy and the thin, cutesy girls catch all the breaks no matter if they are the most qualified or not, all they have to do is smile and show an ounce of charisma and they are in like Flynn.

It's so odd that the weight that my body has carried around so long has given me as many positives as it has negatives. It has made me a stronger person on a personal level, but it has weakened me on a physical level. Now that I have had 32 year of growing as a person, I'm ready to shed this skin and see what it's like from the other side. I will appreciate the other side even more and be able to live a healthier life with compassion for those who still struggle with their weight.