So, yesterday, I was having one of those "Ugh" kind of days where I feel bloated and fat and like I'm not accomplishing anything anymore. My clothes are beginning to look crappy and I just feel blah. I'm sure that my TOM has a lot to do with this, so thanks Mother Nature.
Anyways, all my pants are a size 24, except for my best-fitting jeans that are 22s. So, I went to the store and tried on A BUNCH of 22s to prove to myself that I am, indeed, a solid size 22 now and that it wasn't some fluke thing that the ONE pair of jeans happen to fit.
I didn't buy anything, but it sure made me feel good to be able to do it :)
...and to think that I used to wear a size 32.
Showing posts with label my journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my journey. Show all posts
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
My Perception of Me - Am I too Happy Where I am?
My Perception of Me
I have read that many of you have had that feeling where you KNOW you've lost weight and you look different, but you just don't SEE it when you look in the mirror. I totally understand this. I have lost 5 sizes since I began my journey, yet, when I look in the mirror, I see the same person I've always seen. Either I had a really good self-image before I started this, or I've got a bad self-image now! LOL Actually, I'd like to think that I had a good self-image before. I've never HATED the way I looked. The biggest reason I wanted to lose weight is so that I could be healthier and more active. I wanted to do it for my future, so I could live a longer, healthier life and be more independent when I got older. When I look at my size 22 jeans, I don't see the different between those and the size 32s that I used to wear. That's just wrong! I try on something that is old and it swallows me and it becomes more real, but then I don't SEE it in the mirror.
Every once in a while I'll catch a glimpse of myself - a reflection in a store window - and I'll think "Wow, I can see it!". The other day, I was looking at my face in the mirror and I could see my jawbone so much more clearly and I had a moment of clarity. But, it's few and far between. I think I need to do some comparison photos (which I have not been doing) just to prove to myself that this is working.
Which brings me to my other topic...
Am I too happy where I am?
I am a size 22 right now, which is smaller than I've been in a very long time. I don't even remember buying this size in HS. The last size I remember buying in HS was a 26 (which was probably smaller back then due to so much "vanity sizing" now).
Sometimes I think that I am so amazed at how awesome being a 22 is, that I am not trying as hard as I should because I'm so happy where I am. The upside is that I don't hate myself. The downside is that I hope it's not putting up some kind of subconscious block that puts me in "maintain" mode when I need to get into "lets lose 60 more lbs mode"!
My goal is to be around a size 14. Smaller if I can, but I want to be able to maintain a size 14. That's about as realistic as I can get with myself because anything else seems illogical. I can change my goal one day if I want to and need to, but for now, 14 is where I would gladly be happy to stay.
Have any of you ever felt this way on "the way down"?
Could my positive outlook on my body and my appearance be hindering me? LOL
Happy Monday, everyone!
I have read that many of you have had that feeling where you KNOW you've lost weight and you look different, but you just don't SEE it when you look in the mirror. I totally understand this. I have lost 5 sizes since I began my journey, yet, when I look in the mirror, I see the same person I've always seen. Either I had a really good self-image before I started this, or I've got a bad self-image now! LOL Actually, I'd like to think that I had a good self-image before. I've never HATED the way I looked. The biggest reason I wanted to lose weight is so that I could be healthier and more active. I wanted to do it for my future, so I could live a longer, healthier life and be more independent when I got older. When I look at my size 22 jeans, I don't see the different between those and the size 32s that I used to wear. That's just wrong! I try on something that is old and it swallows me and it becomes more real, but then I don't SEE it in the mirror.
Every once in a while I'll catch a glimpse of myself - a reflection in a store window - and I'll think "Wow, I can see it!". The other day, I was looking at my face in the mirror and I could see my jawbone so much more clearly and I had a moment of clarity. But, it's few and far between. I think I need to do some comparison photos (which I have not been doing) just to prove to myself that this is working.
Which brings me to my other topic...
Am I too happy where I am?
I am a size 22 right now, which is smaller than I've been in a very long time. I don't even remember buying this size in HS. The last size I remember buying in HS was a 26 (which was probably smaller back then due to so much "vanity sizing" now).
Sometimes I think that I am so amazed at how awesome being a 22 is, that I am not trying as hard as I should because I'm so happy where I am. The upside is that I don't hate myself. The downside is that I hope it's not putting up some kind of subconscious block that puts me in "maintain" mode when I need to get into "lets lose 60 more lbs mode"!
My goal is to be around a size 14. Smaller if I can, but I want to be able to maintain a size 14. That's about as realistic as I can get with myself because anything else seems illogical. I can change my goal one day if I want to and need to, but for now, 14 is where I would gladly be happy to stay.
Have any of you ever felt this way on "the way down"?
Could my positive outlook on my body and my appearance be hindering me? LOL
Happy Monday, everyone!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Ugh. Damn you, Halloween!
So, I've been über busy lately - yes. I've been drawing zombies and getting my household back in order and tending to projects and such... but I've also been hiding from my band, from all of you, from my food journal, and from my bad habits over the weekend.
I was catching up on blogs today and I read Joey's vlog and was having one of those "OMG - THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH" moments and I had no one to tell about it, so I thought I would blog about. Don't you hate that? When you have a realization of some sort, but you know that no one else would get it, so you have to keep it to yourself? Well, I've got all of you out there, so I can "tell" you and you'll "get it".
Do you see something that shouldn't be there? Um, yeah, I DO. F'in skittles. Where did they come from? Left over from trick-or-treaters, indeed. But, if those skittle packs were the only problem, then I wouldn't be blogging about this.
The problem began when my last fill of .5cc's didn't do much yet again. THEN, I had a busy schedule and ate a couple of breakfast biscuits from fast food joints over the last couple of weeks and other "fast" items with less nutritional value than I would like. I've also been in such a hurry to move on to the next thing on the "To do" list that I've been eating too fast and getting things "stuck". Which sucks! Then when Friday night's Halloween party rolled around I had two pieces of pizza (which is no biggie...it's homemade and thin crust and DELICIOUS) but I had numerous fun-size candy bars. NUMBEROUS. They go down so easy.
I was forgiving myself for it all. Truly. I had planned this worry-free food weekend in advance and knew it was coming, then it would be over as well as the super-busy schedule and I could resume good habits.
And then, the day after the party, we had a late start and didn't eat B'fast until 3 in the afternoon. Therefore, I was STARVING and ate too much and too fast. I actually felt a little nauseous the rest of the day because of that and I've NEVER eaten that much since I've gotten the band.
The reason I still feel so guilty about all of it is that my brain is still battling the food demon. My brain was having fun and it doesn't want to let go of that good time! It was all-around just a bad last couple of weeks that culminated into a Halloween blow-out that I'm having a hard time kicking. Do fun-size snickers really have that big of a hold on my brain? Is there CRACK in those things or something?
I just don't know how to make it stop. It doesn't help that as I sit here my stomach is growling wildly for some food. *Le Sigh*... 4 more weeks until my next fill. I just want to run away for Thanksgiving. Tell everyone that I am deathly ill and run away to Las Vegas or something. Screw it.
I hope I get my motivation back. I hope my brain can turn these feelings off soon. It's like a bad relationship... Food has given me a black eye so many times. I've put a restraining order on it, yet when we have one good time together again, I'm falling back in love...
I was catching up on blogs today and I read Joey's vlog and was having one of those "OMG - THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH" moments and I had no one to tell about it, so I thought I would blog about. Don't you hate that? When you have a realization of some sort, but you know that no one else would get it, so you have to keep it to yourself? Well, I've got all of you out there, so I can "tell" you and you'll "get it".
Just look at my desk drawer.
Do you see something that shouldn't be there? Um, yeah, I DO. F'in skittles. Where did they come from? Left over from trick-or-treaters, indeed. But, if those skittle packs were the only problem, then I wouldn't be blogging about this.
The problem began when my last fill of .5cc's didn't do much yet again. THEN, I had a busy schedule and ate a couple of breakfast biscuits from fast food joints over the last couple of weeks and other "fast" items with less nutritional value than I would like. I've also been in such a hurry to move on to the next thing on the "To do" list that I've been eating too fast and getting things "stuck". Which sucks! Then when Friday night's Halloween party rolled around I had two pieces of pizza (which is no biggie...it's homemade and thin crust and DELICIOUS) but I had numerous fun-size candy bars. NUMBEROUS. They go down so easy.
I was forgiving myself for it all. Truly. I had planned this worry-free food weekend in advance and knew it was coming, then it would be over as well as the super-busy schedule and I could resume good habits.
And then, the day after the party, we had a late start and didn't eat B'fast until 3 in the afternoon. Therefore, I was STARVING and ate too much and too fast. I actually felt a little nauseous the rest of the day because of that and I've NEVER eaten that much since I've gotten the band.
The reason I still feel so guilty about all of it is that my brain is still battling the food demon. My brain was having fun and it doesn't want to let go of that good time! It was all-around just a bad last couple of weeks that culminated into a Halloween blow-out that I'm having a hard time kicking. Do fun-size snickers really have that big of a hold on my brain? Is there CRACK in those things or something?
I just don't know how to make it stop. It doesn't help that as I sit here my stomach is growling wildly for some food. *Le Sigh*... 4 more weeks until my next fill. I just want to run away for Thanksgiving. Tell everyone that I am deathly ill and run away to Las Vegas or something. Screw it.
I hope I get my motivation back. I hope my brain can turn these feelings off soon. It's like a bad relationship... Food has given me a black eye so many times. I've put a restraining order on it, yet when we have one good time together again, I'm falling back in love...
Friday, October 8, 2010
Weight Loss Questionnaire
I found this questionnaire via All The Weigh. She found it via Never The Skinny Girl. It's a GREAT questionnaire that is very much focused on our journey. I hope others will copy and paste this onto their sites. I would love to read ya'll answers!
1. What was your highest weight, what do you weigh right now and what is your goal weight?
My highest weight was somewhere around 379lbs - that was in 2006-2007. I might have weighed more and not known it, but I can remember seeing "379" come up on the scale at the gym and I was astounded and I knew that I couldn't keep going on like that. Right now I weigh 288 and my goal weight has always been 200, but honestly, I'd rather see 190. That way I'm in onederland, but I just can't imagine being 190lbs...I guess it just seems so out of reach for me...
2. What is your #1 motivation for losing weight?
It's something that runs in my family and I have seen obesity be responsible (in part) for my father's death at age 62 and my mother's practical immobility. It hurts me so much to see my mom this way. I love her and I want her to be better. I see my future through my parents and I can not do it to myself any longer. As soon as I got on my own and had my own insurance I began doing everything I could to conquer this, and it ultimately led me to LapBand. I want the use of my knees back and I don't want to be a burden on my husband or family one day.
3. Have you always been overweight?
Yes. It has been a life-long struggle. I was pretty normal until around age 4 or 5, I'd say, then you can tell the difference. Every year it just got worse.
4. When you want to give up what inspires you to keep going?
I'm still in the "honeymoon" stage of this LapBand thing, so I haven't felt like giving up much yet. As long as I'm seeing progress, it keeps me motivated. The changes I have already seen in my well-being keep me inspired and EVERYONE in blog-land keeps me inspired beyond belief. Amy over at Cheese and Sunkist was the very first band blog I ever found and I was so inspired by her. When I found her blog, I realized that she weighed the same starting out as I did at the time. Seeing how far she had come and how amazing she looked gave me hope. A hope I have never had before. I have always been overweight, so I don't know what it would be like to not be overweight and seeing her and others that have done it are the MOST inspiring thing for me, Hands down.
5. What is the #1 thing you look forward to when you hit your goal weight?
Being healthy. I have to admit that I am SO curious as to what I will look like thin (and in my book 190 is VERY thin). I have never seen myself that way, so it's like I'll have to introduce me to myself.
6. Do you have support on your weight loss journey?
I do. My husband is a HUGE supporter and has been there for me all the way. I am able to do this because of his support. He loves me no matter what and I know that with all my heart and all my soul. He married me when I weighed 379lbs. He doesn't care about the weight, he just wants me to be with him for the rest of our lives and he wants me to be healthy enough for that to be a LONG time. So do I.
7. What is your favorite exercise?
I honestly don't like exercise very much. Ugh. I wish I did. I like my simple little stepping plan on the Wii Fit. I like walking when the weather is awesome like it is now. I like anything that has to do with being in the water. I think my favorite exercise are things that aren't in the form of exercise like the excursions you go on while you are on cruises or something. You are walking around in the jungle sweating your ass off, posing for pictures, seeing the awesome sites and having fun not realizing you are burning 1,000's of calories in the process. Too bad I can't go on cruises every day after work, right? :)
8. What is the most important thing you have learned on your weight loss journey?
I'm not sure yet. This is still very new to me. I know there are things I need to learn...
I wish I could figure out how to keep myself from doubting that I'll ever been 190lbs.
9. What is one thing you have given up that you miss the most?
I haven't given up anything completely. I do stay away from bread and sweets but I have had those things since I have been banded too. Only when appropriate. Only in small amounts. I don't want to be on a "diet" for the rest of my life. That is one of the reasons I chose the band. I want to learn to live in moderation and I know that my body/mind needs a tool to help me do that.
10. What is your strategy for losing weight?
So far, I watch calories and eat small portions with my emphasis on protein (of course). I don't watch carbs or fat very much. I find that those tend to work themselves out when you watch the calories. I don't have high cholesterol or high blood sugar, so I am lucky in those regards. But, I stick with the simple plan that you need to burn more than you consume. It worked for me before the band (I lost 40lbs during the year-long process of getting approved for the band) and it's still working for me with the band as well.
1. What was your highest weight, what do you weigh right now and what is your goal weight?
My highest weight was somewhere around 379lbs - that was in 2006-2007. I might have weighed more and not known it, but I can remember seeing "379" come up on the scale at the gym and I was astounded and I knew that I couldn't keep going on like that. Right now I weigh 288 and my goal weight has always been 200, but honestly, I'd rather see 190. That way I'm in onederland, but I just can't imagine being 190lbs...I guess it just seems so out of reach for me...
2. What is your #1 motivation for losing weight?
It's something that runs in my family and I have seen obesity be responsible (in part) for my father's death at age 62 and my mother's practical immobility. It hurts me so much to see my mom this way. I love her and I want her to be better. I see my future through my parents and I can not do it to myself any longer. As soon as I got on my own and had my own insurance I began doing everything I could to conquer this, and it ultimately led me to LapBand. I want the use of my knees back and I don't want to be a burden on my husband or family one day.
3. Have you always been overweight?
Yes. It has been a life-long struggle. I was pretty normal until around age 4 or 5, I'd say, then you can tell the difference. Every year it just got worse.
4. When you want to give up what inspires you to keep going?
I'm still in the "honeymoon" stage of this LapBand thing, so I haven't felt like giving up much yet. As long as I'm seeing progress, it keeps me motivated. The changes I have already seen in my well-being keep me inspired and EVERYONE in blog-land keeps me inspired beyond belief. Amy over at Cheese and Sunkist was the very first band blog I ever found and I was so inspired by her. When I found her blog, I realized that she weighed the same starting out as I did at the time. Seeing how far she had come and how amazing she looked gave me hope. A hope I have never had before. I have always been overweight, so I don't know what it would be like to not be overweight and seeing her and others that have done it are the MOST inspiring thing for me, Hands down.
5. What is the #1 thing you look forward to when you hit your goal weight?
Being healthy. I have to admit that I am SO curious as to what I will look like thin (and in my book 190 is VERY thin). I have never seen myself that way, so it's like I'll have to introduce me to myself.
6. Do you have support on your weight loss journey?
I do. My husband is a HUGE supporter and has been there for me all the way. I am able to do this because of his support. He loves me no matter what and I know that with all my heart and all my soul. He married me when I weighed 379lbs. He doesn't care about the weight, he just wants me to be with him for the rest of our lives and he wants me to be healthy enough for that to be a LONG time. So do I.
7. What is your favorite exercise?
I honestly don't like exercise very much. Ugh. I wish I did. I like my simple little stepping plan on the Wii Fit. I like walking when the weather is awesome like it is now. I like anything that has to do with being in the water. I think my favorite exercise are things that aren't in the form of exercise like the excursions you go on while you are on cruises or something. You are walking around in the jungle sweating your ass off, posing for pictures, seeing the awesome sites and having fun not realizing you are burning 1,000's of calories in the process. Too bad I can't go on cruises every day after work, right? :)
8. What is the most important thing you have learned on your weight loss journey?
I'm not sure yet. This is still very new to me. I know there are things I need to learn...
I wish I could figure out how to keep myself from doubting that I'll ever been 190lbs.
9. What is one thing you have given up that you miss the most?
I haven't given up anything completely. I do stay away from bread and sweets but I have had those things since I have been banded too. Only when appropriate. Only in small amounts. I don't want to be on a "diet" for the rest of my life. That is one of the reasons I chose the band. I want to learn to live in moderation and I know that my body/mind needs a tool to help me do that.
10. What is your strategy for losing weight?
So far, I watch calories and eat small portions with my emphasis on protein (of course). I don't watch carbs or fat very much. I find that those tend to work themselves out when you watch the calories. I don't have high cholesterol or high blood sugar, so I am lucky in those regards. But, I stick with the simple plan that you need to burn more than you consume. It worked for me before the band (I lost 40lbs during the year-long process of getting approved for the band) and it's still working for me with the band as well.
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