My Perception of Me - Am I too Happy Where I am?

My Perception of Me
I have read that many of you have had that feeling where you KNOW you've lost weight and you look different, but you just don't SEE it when you look in the mirror. I totally understand this. I have lost 5 sizes since I began my journey, yet, when I look in the mirror, I see the same person I've always seen. Either I had a really good self-image before I started this, or I've got a bad self-image now! LOL Actually, I'd like to think that I had a good self-image before. I've never HATED the way I looked. The biggest reason I wanted to lose weight is so that I could be healthier and more active. I wanted to do it for my future, so I could live a longer, healthier life and be more independent when I got older. When I look at my size 22 jeans, I don't see the different between those and the size 32s that I used to wear. That's just wrong! I try on something that is old and it swallows me and it becomes more real, but then I don't SEE it in the mirror.

Every once in a while I'll catch a glimpse of myself - a reflection in a store window - and I'll think "Wow, I can see it!". The other day, I was looking at my face in the mirror and I could see my jawbone so much more clearly and I had a moment of clarity. But, it's few and far between. I think I need to do some comparison photos (which I have not been doing) just to prove to myself that this is working.

Which brings me to my other topic...

Am I too happy where I am?
I am a size 22 right now, which is smaller than I've been in a very long time. I don't even remember buying this size in HS. The last size I remember buying in HS was a 26 (which was probably smaller back then due to so much "vanity sizing" now).

Sometimes I think that I am so amazed at how awesome being a 22 is, that I am not trying as hard as I should because I'm so happy where I am. The upside is that I don't hate myself. The downside is that I hope it's not putting up some kind of subconscious block that puts me in "maintain" mode when I need to get into "lets lose 60 more lbs mode"!

My goal is to be around a size 14. Smaller if I can, but I want to be able to maintain a size 14. That's about as realistic as I can get with myself because anything else seems illogical. I can change my goal one day if I want to and need to, but for now, 14 is where I would gladly be happy to stay.

Have any of you ever felt this way on "the way down"?
Could my positive outlook on my body and my appearance be hindering me? LOL

Happy Monday, everyone!

Back on Track - Things I've learned - Counting Calories

Back on Track
Wowee! Truly, I have been off track since Halloween. Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas are like my "sabotage Trifecta" for the year. No real damage done, but no progress either. I've finally gotten those bad habits shaken from my system and moving past them! I finally had enough of the "cheating" mindset and I am ready to continue my journey. A HUGE part of my sabotage is all the time off that I get during holidays. It's like Halloween wet my appetite for bad things then Thanksgiving/Christmas were so un-structured that I got back into bad habits again...Being back at work in full swing has helped. It's January 28th and I have just finished my first 5-day work-week since mid-december! I was sick, we had ice/snow days added into holidays...it's been crazy!

Things I've Learned

• Well, I just now learned that pears do NOT go down well at all...I've had pear slowly moving down my pouch for about 10 minutes now and it's getting really annoying.
• I've learned that often times I over-eat out of boredom. That is how I know that structure is important to me.
• I've learned that "boredom" for me is sometimes created by my inability to focus and get things done and that my ADHD medication helps me organize my thoughts, get things done, and therefore kick "boredom" to the curb. And my ADHD medication is very important to my journey and my life.
• I've learned that it's really easy to eat things that I shouldn't. Lots of "bad for you" foods (not like pasta...think MM&Ms and King Size Kit-Kat bars) go down very easily in large quantities.
• I've learned that this band really is working for me. I had my doubts for a while...I was afraid I was going to fail, but if I made it from Halloween to mid-January without gaining insane amounts of weight, this thing is WORKING. I can no longer eat the amount of food I used to be able to and that is helping considerably. I may not have "rocked the band" for the last couple of months, but it was still there standing guard.
• I've learned that even when I'm "off-track", I still have the willpower to do this right and it has been the best decision I've ever made.
• I've learned that the 60lbs I've lost so far have made a HUGE difference in my life! I feel so much better now and I have so much more to look forward to.

Counting Calories
I've been back into the habit of writing everything down, setting calories goals and all that good stuff. I have to estimate calories sometimes because I'm just not the kind of person who is going to figure out how many calories the pot of homemade Vegetable Beef Soup I just made has in it and how many calories are in 1 cup of it. I also can't go into my small-town sandwich shop and expect them to be able to tell me how many calories their 1/2 wrap has in it. So, I have to estimate based on ingredients. I think I'm doing a pretty good job, but I wish I knew exactly so I could have a better idea where my inabilities to estimate are. I usually look up each ingredient online and then guess about how much of that ingredient was in my portion. I had 1/2 of a whole wheat wrap, so I look up whole wheat wraps, find the largest one that has the most calories, and half that number. At least if I'm fudging numbers, I know that I'm picking the highest number of calories, so that gives me a little wiggle room. Then I look up bacon and estimate that there may have been 2 entire pieces on my wrap...then the turkey...which I know was Boar's Head brand...but there wasn't much on there, so I figure it was about 3/4th of a serving... Very little mayo, so I guessed 1Tbs...Spicey Mustard was so low that it goes into the category of the lettuce & tomato that don't count!

I hope my logic of calorie estimating is reasonable because I have to do an awful lot of it sometimes. How do you guys "estimate" calories?

FLOURISH - My Word for 2011

Flourish
Develop • Grow • Mature • Progress • Prosper • Succeed • Thrive

This is what I want to do in 2011. I want to conquer the part of me that still reverts to bad eating habits when given the chance and I want to pull the veil off from over my eyes and more clearly see the opportunity that I have given myself to flourish. I went through a lot to give myself this chance and I cannot let myself fail.

I hate how human nature can allow us to fail ourselves so easily. Some folks have better willpower than others, but we ALL fall off the wagon sometimes.

The holidays were tough for me. I was off-schedule and very busy and surrounded by bad choices. Luckily, the band prevents you from eating TOO much, but it doesn't prevent you from making poor choices and eating more than you really ought to.

This year I want to tackle that little demon in my head that cannot resist temptations. That is how I will flourish.

Quick Saturday Note!

As of this morning, I'm down 53lbs! HOLY MOLY! This is not since my surgery date (which was Aug. 11th), but since July 10th when I began my pre-op preparation to lose as much as I could before the surgery and begin eating like I would be after surgery. That's 53lbs in 3 months and 12 days. I am weighing in at 280.4 this morning and I'm about to say goodbye to the 280's forever. I'm so excited that I had to share this! I went straight past 50lbs and directly to 53. Cool :)

Welcome to new follower, Libby! :)

So far, I've worked on once this week. Last night I walked for 43 minutes...over 2 miles.
I wish I was "feeling it" as much this week as I did last week.

Last week I felt as light as a feather as I tromped around the trail.
This week I feel like I have on concrete walking shoes.

Last week I lost weight and could FEEL the difference.
This week I feel swollen and sore.

I moved my next doc appt. up by a week and a day. I was supposed to go Oct. 28th, but I'm going out of town for some Halloween fun on the 29th and don't want to deal with being fresh off of a fill. So, I have an appt. for the 20th instead. I really, REALLY need a fill again already. My first fill was Sept. 23rd and it's effects are totally gone... I can eat and never get that satisfied feeling like I did before and I can chug water like nobody's business.

I have a lot of chores, errands and freelance to do this week, so I am going to try to get some more exercise done during the week nights, but if not, my other two days might have to be on the weekend. I need to go grocery shopping. We are out of EVERYTHING and that is hard for me. If I don't have something healthy on-hand that I enjoy eating, I am less-likely to make good decisions...

Happy Hump Day everyone!

Weight Loss Questionnaire

I found this questionnaire via All The Weigh. She found it via Never The Skinny Girl. It's a GREAT questionnaire that is very much focused on our journey. I hope others will copy and paste this onto their sites. I would love to read ya'll answers!

1. What was your highest weight, what do you weigh right now and what is your goal weight?
My highest weight was somewhere around 379lbs - that was in 2006-2007. I might have weighed more and not known it, but I can remember seeing "379" come up on the scale at the gym and I was astounded and I knew that I couldn't keep going on like that. Right now I weigh 288 and my goal weight has always been 200, but honestly, I'd rather see 190. That way I'm in onederland, but I just can't imagine being 190lbs...I guess it just seems so out of reach for me...

2. What is your #1 motivation for losing weight?
It's something that runs in my family and I have seen obesity be responsible (in part) for my father's death at age 62 and my mother's practical immobility. It hurts me so much to see my mom this way. I love her and I want her to be better. I see my future through my parents and I can not do it to myself any longer. As soon as I got on my own and had my own insurance I began doing everything I could to conquer this, and it ultimately led me to LapBand. I want the use of my knees back and I don't want to be a burden on my husband or family one day.

3. Have you always been overweight?
Yes. It has been a life-long struggle. I was pretty normal until around age 4 or 5, I'd say, then you can tell the difference. Every year it just got worse.

4. When you want to give up what inspires you to keep going?
I'm still in the "honeymoon" stage of this LapBand thing, so I haven't felt like giving up much yet. As long as I'm seeing progress, it keeps me motivated. The changes I have already seen in my well-being keep me inspired and EVERYONE in blog-land keeps me inspired beyond belief. Amy over at Cheese and Sunkist was the very first band blog I ever found and I was so inspired by her. When I found her blog, I realized that she weighed the same starting out as I did at the time. Seeing how far she had come and how amazing she looked gave me hope. A hope I have never had before. I have always been overweight, so I don't know what it would be like to not be overweight and seeing her and others that have done it are the MOST inspiring thing for me, Hands down.

5. What is the #1 thing you look forward to when you hit your goal weight?
Being healthy. I have to admit that I am SO curious as to what I will look like thin (and in my book 190 is VERY thin). I have never seen myself that way, so it's like I'll have to introduce me to myself.

6. Do you have support on your weight loss journey?
I do. My husband is a HUGE supporter and has been there for me all the way. I am able to do this because of his support. He loves me no matter what and I know that with all my heart and all my soul. He married me when I weighed 379lbs. He doesn't care about the weight, he just wants me to be with him for the rest of our lives and he wants me to be healthy enough for that to be a LONG time. So do I.

7. What is your favorite exercise?
I honestly don't like exercise very much. Ugh. I wish I did. I like my simple little stepping plan on the Wii Fit. I like walking when the weather is awesome like it is now. I like anything that has to do with being in the water. I think my favorite exercise are things that aren't in the form of exercise like the excursions you go on while you are on cruises or something. You are walking around in the jungle sweating your ass off, posing for pictures, seeing the awesome sites and having fun not realizing you are burning 1,000's of calories in the process. Too bad I can't go on cruises every day after work, right? :)

8. What is the most important thing you have learned on your weight loss journey?
I'm not sure yet. This is still very new to me. I know there are things I need to learn...
I wish I could figure out how to keep myself from doubting that I'll ever been 190lbs.

9. What is one thing you have given up that you miss the most?
I haven't given up anything completely. I do stay away from bread and sweets but I have had those things since I have been banded too. Only when appropriate. Only in small amounts. I don't want to be on a "diet" for the rest of my life. That is one of the reasons I chose the band. I want to learn to live in moderation and I know that my body/mind needs a tool to help me do that.

10. What is your strategy for losing weight?
So far, I watch calories and eat small portions with my emphasis on protein (of course). I don't watch carbs or fat very much. I find that those tend to work themselves out when you watch the calories. I don't have high cholesterol or high blood sugar, so I am lucky in those regards. But, I stick with the simple plan that you need to burn more than you consume. It worked for me before the band (I lost 40lbs during the year-long process of getting approved for the band) and it's still working for me with the band as well.

My Thursday Things

I thought today would be good for another list-type blog post, so here we go!

• I enjoyed my afternoon yesterday walking around the pond at my gym and I used this really cool Android app called "My Tracks" by google. It maps your route via GPS and shows you how far you walk, your speed, and the elevation. It saves all the info and allows you to send that info to google maps. Pretty good for free! I wish it had calorie burn and pedometers built in, but for free, I'm happy with this gadget. Click on the image to see a better idea of what info it keeps up with and how it looks when you send your information to Google Maps!
• I think today I am going to download separate phone apps that do pedometer and calorie burn stuff and see how I like them. So many great options for fitness apps that are totally free. 
• I must have the smallest ear canals known to man because I can't get earbuds to stay in my ears to save my life. It is VERY annoying! How do people fit those monsterous things in their ears???
• I walked for 42 minutes yesterday at an average pace of 3.13 MPH for a total of 2.3 miles. That is really good for me. I normally can't walk that fast, but I could tell that I was doing well yesterday!
• Actually, I walked about 2.55 miles because I was tracking for the first .25 mile or so...
• I really love my pandora radio app for my phone because I can listen to music I love while I walk.
• I have exercised 3 DAYS in a row!
• I actually want to exercise again tonight. This time I think I'll walk around the neighborhood so I can use my little My Tracks phone app. LOL I'm such a tech geek!
• While I walked yesterday I kept having to hike up my exercise pants. The last time I wore them was about 55lbs ago!
• I have a new-ish outfit on today that fits better and I sure do feel better about myself. I think some new clothes are a must for my morale. It's really important to keep yourself feeling mentally good while on a weight-loss journey.
• I broke out of the 290's this morning and weighed in at 288!!!!!! AWESOME.
• I weigh first thing in the A.M. because it's my truest weight. I can't wait until I'm down to 285 or so because then I know that I'll never see the 290's pop up on the scale again...
• I am only 3lbs away from my Halloween goal and it's only October 7th.

 Ok, that is all I can think of today! I hope everyone in blog land is having a great Thursday! :)

My 86-Day Almanac

My 2nd Post of the day... I just keep thinking of stuff to write about...I guess I should save up some ideas for when I run out of things to say, but this one is an "in the moment" post, so I should go ahead and get it out here now!  Thanks to Drazil and NotJustAWallflower for the inspriation for this post!
Welcome to my new followers: Liz, Linda, Andy & Janelle

86 days. That's approximately 12 weeks from now. I can hardly believe that 2010 will be coming to an end so soon! So, I think what I am going to talk about is what the rest of my 2010 will be like and a little about what is coming in 2011 as well as what my goals for the next 86 days will be. I wanna make the most of it! So, I thought I would make an almanac of my remaining 86 days. I want to try and "predict" my journey over the next 86 days. Maybe writing a guide for myself will help me think through the challenges ahead.

October 2010
Halloween is coming up! I love love LOVE Halloween. I've got a party to go to on the 29th with an 80s theme, so that'll be fun. The host and hostess are known for some AMAZING pizza. The guy makes it all by hand. It's all thin crust and it's probably not THAT bad for you compared to regular pizza because it hardly has any toppings. I'm sure there will be plenty of sweets there and all over my office as well! I'm pretty good at resisting candy though. But, I'll probably save up my calories for that splurge. Thank you LapBand for setting limits for me!
Forecast for Ocotober: Breezy with a 99% chance of success.
Predicted Weight loss by end of month: 12lbs
Lucky Days: 10 & 29
I think I can make a lot of progress the rest of this month and get myself set for the upcoming holidays. The more days you can stay on plan, the easier it is to deal with temptation.

November 2010
Thanksgiving. I think I can get through this one without a problem. We'll go to my in-laws where they don't cook as much or as well as my mom :) That makes it easier. PLUS, if we have it there, leftovers stay with them and don't have to sit around my house to taunt me. Thanksgiving isn't too bad at the office. People usually bring out the baked goods at Christmas time, so I am clear for another month. I'll get some extra time off for the holiday which I hope won't through me off too much - I do better with a routine and being at work actually helps me keep my routine.
Forecast for November: Light winds with a 90% chance of success.
Predicted Weight loss by end of month: 10lbs
Lucky Days: 15 & 30
 I think that Thanksgiving will be a test of will power for Christmas. I know that the food won't be as tempting and hopefully I can get another fill in before the holiday so that I have more control. Hopefully I can continue to lose during Thanksgiving break.

December 2010
December is going to be a toughie. I'll be traveling to Austin, TX for a while to visit some family, so there will be food on the go to deal with. Then, of course there is Christmas. I've got family coming in. Family that loooooves to eat and looooooves to cook. We'll have all the food over at mom's so that will make it a little easier, but I will be spending a lot of time over there. I know that no matter if I've got this major life-changing journey going on that others will proceed with the eating all around me. Holidays are the hardest because there is food around that isn't around any other time of the year, ya know? There are certain things you only make at Christmas time - like my mom's peanut brittle. Work is going to be killer - I have a feeling that there will be lots of holiday treats, freebies, lunches, etc. That will be hard. When food is just hanging around the office, that is the worst! The last glorious holiday of December is my anniversary. I'll be married for 4 years on Dec. 28th. We have already been together for 9 years! Wow! I'm not sure if we'll have anything planned or not...with family that might still be in town, it's hard to tell, but I'm sure that the two of us on our own can find plenty to do that will be fun and doesn't involve food. The other thing about Christmas that is good and bad is the looong break I get from work...2 weeks paid vacation. It's awesome! However, it's bad for routine. SO very bad. I do so much better when I have my work schedule to keep me straight. Weekends are just enough time, then I need to get back to that routine that keeps me able to control my eating habits.
Forecast for December: Cloudy with a 75% chance of success.
Predicted Weight loss by end of month: 8lbs
Lucky Days: 19 & 28
I think I can manage to make it through all of this without ruining anything. It's going to be hard, but I think I have the willpower to do it. I think that I will have a couple of weeks where losing might be out of the question, but maintaining might have to do. I'm not going to turn down Christmas dinner, but I won't be able to eat much. I'll be able to turn down most of the Christmas desserts, but I know that it's impossible to think I won't have a nibble of something. That's just unrealistic.

Goals for my 86-Day Almanac
In 12 weeks, I should be able to lose at least 24lbs at 2lbs per week. But can I do more? I think I can. I really think I can do way more than that. I need to be aggressive. This first few months is when it's the easiest to lose and I want to take full advantage of that. I've just started on exercise goals for this week, but I think I'm going to take it a step farther and expand them for my 86-Day Almanac. Here is my comprehensive list of goals:

• 36 additional lbs gone by December 31, 2010 (that would leave me at 255)
• Exercise routine 3-4 times a week on average for at least 30 minutes (a total of 36-48 times)
• Take my vitamins every single day
• More protein - which means one protein shake a day to help supplement
• Maintain my Healthy Living Diary and write down my food/calories/protein/exercise every day

What happens in 2011?
We already have some plans in 2011! It just so happens that on my one-year bandiversary (August 11th), we will be setting sail on a cruise to the Bahamas with a group of friends. It wasn't planned that way, but it'll be a great way to celebrate. I hope to be celebrating a loss of 100lbs (post op). My goal for August 11th, 2010 is 220lbs. I would like to see my goal weight of 200lbs by December of 2011. I will probably revise my goal after that. Right now the idea of being in onederland is too intimidating, so I'm sticking with something realistic for me right now.

I'm also looking forward to my 15 year high school reunion. I'm not sure when it will be, but I'm pretty sure that unless I stop losing weight right now, by then I'll be thinner than I was in high school! Which will be pretty sweet! I can't wait to show up lookin' good with my cutie husband on my arm. :)

My Goals for the Week

Firstly, a big "Hello", "Welcome" and "Thanks!"  to my new followers alyce, Falon, Epiphany, and Sparkler!

Tuesday is not exactly the best day to go making goal lists, that's usually a Monday kind of thing, but It's better late than never, right? :)

Yesterday I did 33 minutes of Wii Fit stepping. So, since I started out Monday on the right foot, I thought I would try to give myself a goal for this week. All morning I was like "You'll work out every single day this week for just 30 minutes". Now that I am at work, I'm being more sensible and I thought I would give myself an attainable goal...It's not super aggressive, but my body will thank me for doing SOMEthing and my knees will thank me for not killing them.

My Goals for this week:

1. 4 Wii Fit workouts of at least 30 minutes each (or walking if that's what I wanna do)
2. At least 64oz of water each day

The 30 minutes go by really fast when you set the Wii Fit to the free step mode...you can make it to where the Wii remote keeps the beat for you and you can watch TV. I watch the episodes of Too Fat for Fifteen that I DVR. I love that show... much better than The Biggest Loser... and even though it's about kids, there is a lot to learn.

I've been doing much better about the water, but over the weekend, I slacked off, so I need to get back on track. I think I normally drink more than 64oz. a day, but I need to keep track better.

Hopefully by Sunday I will have an attained goal to report! yay :)

Just call me Miss Draggy Britches

It's Friday! It's jeans day! The problem is, most of my jeans are very, VERY loose and by the time I sit in them for work for 4 hours, I've got problems. I went to the ladies room and stood in the mirror, lifted up my shirt and you could see 3 full inches of undies because my jeans are far past my waistline.

I can not put my cellphone in my pocket because the weight pulls my pants down. No lie.

I do have some pants that are smaller. I don't know why I don't get them out. It's like I don't believe that they would fit yet. It hasn't sunk in that I am shrinking and I don't have to buy the largest size available anymore.

And on another good note, I stepped on the scale this morning to find that I am down 3lbs from last Saturday. WHOOT! If things keep going this well, I am sure to make my OH challenge goal of 14lbs down by October 31st!

1 Month & 1 Goal - What a big day!

Today is exactly one month since my surgery! I was banded August 11th and today on September 11th, I stepped on the scale and found that I had hit my first mini goal - I came in at 299.4 lbs....

Goodbye 300's and hello 200's! I will never again see 300+lbs on the scale again.

Well, by the end of the day I know I will... I weigh in the mornings because my legs are not swollen so I know it's a truer weight. I'm sure I'll be seeing 300's on the scale until I'm down to about 295 or so.

But, I was SO ELATED to see 299. It's been way too long.

What an amazing feeling to know that no matter what, I'll never see 300lbs again!