I was catching up on blogs today and I read Joey's vlog and was having one of those "OMG - THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH" moments and I had no one to tell about it, so I thought I would blog about. Don't you hate that? When you have a realization of some sort, but you know that no one else would get it, so you have to keep it to yourself? Well, I've got all of you out there, so I can "tell" you and you'll "get it".
Just look at my desk drawer.
Do you see something that shouldn't be there? Um, yeah, I DO. F'in skittles. Where did they come from? Left over from trick-or-treaters, indeed. But, if those skittle packs were the only problem, then I wouldn't be blogging about this.
The problem began when my last fill of .5cc's didn't do much yet again. THEN, I had a busy schedule and ate a couple of breakfast biscuits from fast food joints over the last couple of weeks and other "fast" items with less nutritional value than I would like. I've also been in such a hurry to move on to the next thing on the "To do" list that I've been eating too fast and getting things "stuck". Which sucks! Then when Friday night's Halloween party rolled around I had two pieces of pizza (which is no biggie...it's homemade and thin crust and DELICIOUS) but I had numerous fun-size candy bars. NUMBEROUS. They go down so easy.
I was forgiving myself for it all. Truly. I had planned this worry-free food weekend in advance and knew it was coming, then it would be over as well as the super-busy schedule and I could resume good habits.
And then, the day after the party, we had a late start and didn't eat B'fast until 3 in the afternoon. Therefore, I was STARVING and ate too much and too fast. I actually felt a little nauseous the rest of the day because of that and I've NEVER eaten that much since I've gotten the band.
The reason I still feel so guilty about all of it is that my brain is still battling the food demon. My brain was having fun and it doesn't want to let go of that good time! It was all-around just a bad last couple of weeks that culminated into a Halloween blow-out that I'm having a hard time kicking. Do fun-size snickers really have that big of a hold on my brain? Is there CRACK in those things or something?
I just don't know how to make it stop. It doesn't help that as I sit here my stomach is growling wildly for some food. *Le Sigh*... 4 more weeks until my next fill. I just want to run away for Thanksgiving. Tell everyone that I am deathly ill and run away to Las Vegas or something. Screw it.
I hope I get my motivation back. I hope my brain can turn these feelings off soon. It's like a bad relationship... Food has given me a black eye so many times. I've put a restraining order on it, yet when we have one good time together again, I'm falling back in love...