Fail. Fail. Fail.

It's been over a year since I've been here or even looked at a band blog until today. I hate myself so much. I stopped losing. Started gaining. Had to re-buy clothes in a larger size. It sneaks up on you fast. Of course, if you knew the crap I ate, it's a wonder I'm not a house.

I hate food. I hate sugar. I hate stress and having to work. I hate that my knees gave up on me.

How do you get a hold on it all again? This is NOT easy. This band is not the solution, I knew that, but it's a harder tool to use than I ever knew and I feel worse now that I ever did. I hate myself more now than ever before.

I thought I was better and stronger than this. I thought I wanted this. Truly wanted this. What the hell is wrong with me?

Energy-In/Energy-Out - Skechers! - Rest

Energy-In/Energy-Out
I got my new Skecher Shape-Ups today and the literature in the box was actually interesting. Have you ever heard of the Basal Energy Expenditure? It's the calculation of how many units of energy your body needs to function - this includes heart beating, breathing, digesting food, etc.  I googled it, and it's also known as Total Energy Expenditure (Basal was probably the guy who first came up with the equation or something).

Anywho, I did find this REALLY awesome Total Energery Expenditure calculator that will give you an idea of how many calories your body requires to function based on your sex, age, height and weight. Then, if you estimate your average daily activities, it will tell you how much you burn in addition to the energy it takes for involuntary functions of the body. It's pretty cool because it can help you figure out how you use your day - even down to sitting/sleeping.

The other calculator I found can be used as a second step. It's a Weight Loss calculator. Just enter the total energy expenditure from the first calculator, then enter the average number of calories you take in per day and it will give you a weekly and monthly approximate of what you can expect to lose.

This is the kind of information that I feel is good to know about your individual needs. And, for me, it helps me see that progress is possible and that there is a scientific method behind weight loss/gain. If you use the science to your advantage, then you you can help yourself set goals and tweak your routine and food plans to maximize your efforts. Granted, this energy-in/energy-out method for weight loss isn't the only factors. I think that some people are more affected by fat/carb in-take than others, so that is another thing to be mindful of. But, all-in-all, I think these are the best weight loss calculators I have found online! You should check them out.

Skechers!
My new shoes have arrived. My 11W Skecher Shape-Ups are the BOMB-diggity. I love them already. My poor little bruised toe is happy as a clam and has lots of room to wiggle around. They make me feel like an Amazon though - I tower over all my short co-workers when I add 2" (maybe 2.5"). But, for being a large shoe, both in size and in style, they really don't make my feet look too big. I think having the wide width helps. They really absorb the shock of walking too. I can't wait to try these puppies out!

Rest
I have taken the last 4 days off from the gym and I'm glad that I did. My body is started to unswell and feel better. My weight is going down again as well - back to what I was before I began my routine. Maybe I've been over-doing it? I a trying to find what works best for me and I think that maybe I need to think about low-impact and shorter durations until I loose some more weight. I think that I get all gung-ho and walk for 70 minutes and end up just hurting myself because I feel miserable. This morning was the first morning I've woken up feeling rested and without so many body aches! I think today I am ready to do something though...I'm not sure what. Maybe a walk with my new shoes, but I won't walk for more than 45 minutes.

Pensacola Beach - Clothes - Water Aerobics - Steam Room

Welcome to my new followers: Manda (who is new to the band and blogging so go check her out!) and Camille from over at Living Large in C.C.! Thanks for follwing!

Pensacola Beach
I just booked 2 nights in Pensacola for Memorial Day weekend and I am SO EXCITED. I have missed Pensacola and I'm ready to get back there this year. Last year's BP mess was a real downer and I'm ready to go back to PCB and help the economy a little. Granted, I booked the cheapest hotel room imaginable ($42 bucks a night!). We are budget beach-goers because well, we have to be. We stay in Pensacola and drive to the beach each day. I don't have to be ON the beach, I just gotta get there. We eat sandwiches and may have one nice dinner out, and then we can have a mini-vacation for like $300. I love living 4 hours from a fantastic beach. I'm SO pale right now, so unless I wanna get scorched out there, I've gotta be my tan on! I'm not really happy with my "beach body", but whatev. The great thing about PCB is that southern beaches are so non-judgmental. You see all kinds of things you wish you could "unsee" - folks let it all hang out. Memorial day weekend is a busy time in PCB, but we'll get there early and it'll all be good. Yippee!

I hope by the end of May I can be into an even smaller swimsuit even if that means I gotta buy another one. Changes sizes can be so expensive. I wish I could ditch the grandma suits, but my legs are awfully saggy :( I think that is my least favorite thing about the weight loss...the saggy inner thighs. I can deal with the sag in other places, but that one just...ugh. Very self-conscience about that one.

Spring/Summer Clothes
I have NO CLOTHES for spring/summer. It gets hot here FAST and I'm still wearing polyester black pants and boots. I've gotta do something, but I haven't been able to find anything cheap enough. I went to Ross yesterday and didn't see anything. I need some stuff in the $10 or less range. Some khaki capri pants and stuff like that. I do have some skirts that should still work, but I gotta hit the tanning bed up again. Then I gotta get a pedicure so I can put some nail polish over my ugly bruised toe! That way I can wear some sandals hahahaha. If anyone out there has some size 22 spring/summer pants they would like to get rid of, let me know!

Exercise
I went to water aerobics on Monday night. It was a new routine from the last time I went. They have bought a water aerobics program that is choreographed and it is SO LAME.  It's slow and just lame. I didn't do anything last night except run errands - I'm trying to slow down a little so that I can feel better. This pain is seriously taking a toll on me. Tonight, I'm not sure what I'll do. Maybe the lame water aerobics again or eliptical?

Steam Room
Omg. I wish I had one of these at my house. The main reason I might do lame water aerobics tonight is just so I can go to the steam room afterwards. I love it. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. It makes you feel so good and healthy somehow! LOL And, between the saltwater pool and the steam, my skin is loving it. I wish I had my own steam room so I can steam for 15-20 minutes and then go straight to bed. It's the ultimate in relaxing.

When will the soreness end?

Last week's exercise
Monday: 70 minutes walking
Tuesday: 45 minutes walking
Wednesday: 15 minutes wii (Gold's Gym Dance Workout) / 45 minutes walking
Thursday: 40 minutes wii fit stepping
Friday: 35 minutes eliptical / 20 minutes walking / 3 weight stations
Saturday: rest day
Sunday: Spring cleaning training (did nothing but clean the house for like 10 hours straight!)
Total: 4.5 hours cardio (don't worry, I didn't count the cleaning, but I know it was worth something!)

When will the soreness end? My legs and feet are KILLING me. I had to take a rest day Saturday and Sunday I made myself clean the house even though I felt like crap...I just kept going because I thought that is what you are supposed to do: soldier on. However, I'd really like to know when I will feel better.

I am still all swollen and crappy feeling and I'm beginning to doubt the benefits of all this. It's really REALLY depressing. I am going to cancel my doctor's appointment on Wednesday because I can't go back to him if the scale hasn't moved. This is just stupid. All this hard work and nothing but weight gain. It's not like I've been training to be a body builder...this has all been cardio, so I don't buy the whole "muscle" thing...I've been writing down all my food and I know that I'm burning more than I'm consuming.

Friday I tried something new for me, the eliptical. I was never quite coordinated enough before to get a handle on it, but I tried it Friday and wow...it's nice. I was always told how easy on the knees it is, but I never really knew until I tried it myself. It's like gliding! I really liked it and it burns some serious calories. I'll have to add that into my routine!

Thank you, Lap Band

Dear Lapband,
Because of you, I could only eat 3/4 of a BBQ sandwich and a few bites of two unhealthy side-dishes before I was full. I am eternally grateful to your ability to keep me from eating all that and STILL wishing for another sandwich. Before I met you, LapBand, I could have eaten twice my meal's size in a blink of an eye. You keep me in check LapBand. You rock.

I'm kinda surprised you let me eat the bread, but you are quirky like that - sometimes you are in the mood for bread and sometimes not.

You and I have a special relationship - sometimes you let me eat fun stuff like I did before, but just in smaller amounts. You've introduced me to the kind of relationship I always wanted to have with food and I'm so happy that we met. You've made me more like a normal person instead of the human garbage disposal I was before. If you ever want to be more strict, I would certainly let you because I know now that I can survive on less. You even help me plan ahead - like making sure I ate a smaller breakfast because I knew I was going to have this special lunch today. You're the best personal assistant a gal could ever have.

XXXOOO

New Habits - BYOC

New Habits

Poor little purple toe :(

Because blogbland can be boring without photographs, I present to you: My Toe. Yes, this is the bruised little piggy and it's been saying "Wee wee wee" for sure. See how he just sticks up there? He's too tall for his own good. I'm proud that between my purple toe and blisters I have continued on. I am trying to keep this up until finally it feels like habit and I can't stand NOT doing something. I already kind of feel that way. I feel like if I take a break, then I'm being lazy, which is a good way for me to feel. Last night I didn't go walking - instead I broke out the Wii fit and did 40 minutes of stepping. That was my "break". It was easier on my body than the walking, but I was still DOING something. Something that keeps my metabolism going and something that helps me stay in routine. I also went to bed at 9:30 and got a little extra sleep so today I am feeling better. I still need to take some Tylenol because my feet hurt today, but at least I'm not fall-over tired today!

BYOC

1. Regardless of what stage you are in - in your weight loss, get healthy journey – do you still consider yourself “fat”? Was there a point when you stopped feeling that way?
Yes. Because I am. I don't know that I will ever not be "fat", but that is OK as long as I'm healthy. I still have a hard time seeing the loss when I look in the mirror. Everyone else sees it, but I don't.

2. Tell us about your first kiss.

I didn't kiss anyone until I was 20. Believe me, there was no one worth kissing in the school that I went to, so it was fine by me. He was from the Netherlands and I met him online in a Janet Jackson chat room (and no, I am NOT kidding lol *rolls eyes*). We were an "item" I guess you could say. We spent time chatting, writing emails, and talking on the phone until one day he came to visit me for a couple of weeks one summer. His flight came into town on my 20th birthday and he kissed me in the airport. It sounds all magical, but he turned out to be an immature moron who really cared more about himself than anything else. And I was immature too, for that matter because I didn't see how utterly silly the whole thing was and boy did I take it seriously at the time! Ugh.

3. Describe your parenting style (either current or what you hope to do or what you would do if you ever had kids)?

I have a step-son and we get along really well. We are more like friends because I don't get to see him a lot, but if I had my own children, I would try to be a relaxed parent. Not a permissive parent, but relaxed.

4. How would your best friend describe you?

Goofy, creative, & funny. I think those words would be in there somewhere for sure.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Blog Land: I've been catching up on other folks blogs and making use of blogging as a tool to keep me motivated again. It really does help to write a little something every day and get feedback. Thanks to everyone that comments! It really means a lot to me!

 Real Life: As I've been writing on my blog, I've been trying to make exercise my new habit and it seems to be working so far. Out of the last 11 days (not counting today) I have done some kind of exercise 9 of those days! That's amazing for me. 

I. Am. So. Tired.

Tired
Omagoodness. This is week 2, day 4 of trying to keep on track with exercising and my body is tired. It's good to know that others (like Dizzy!) understand. I read Dizzy's thread today and I could have copied it word for word, Aunt Flo and all. Today has just been crappy. I *might* leave a little early from work today if I can. I'll go get my walk (or whatever I do) started faster so I can get it over with. It's all I can do right now from putting my head on my desk and zonking out. I've been staring off into space for much of the day. LOL

Annoying things
So, You know how I reported a 5lb loss last week? Well, because of Aunt Flo and the working out, all 5lbs are currently back, which ticks me off to no end. It's so unfair to have to see that. I've been working my butt off and keeping track of each item I put in my mouth. I know I'm burning more than I'm consuming - no doubt about that. It's like when I was doing the wii fit I was losing and the walking has made me all swollen and achey and weight-gainy. It couldn't be muscle already, could it? In my legs? I don't know...I'm going to try to get past the frustration of it and give it more time, but dang-it...Just when I had weight loss as a motivator, it's been taken away from me.

More Shoes
I had a 40% off one item discount code for Jessica London and used it to buy a pair of those rocker-bottom Skecher Shape-Ups. They are not the most attractive shoe in the world, but I'm looking forward to getting them. I needed the 11 and I went ahead and got the Wide so I would be able to tie them extra tight. Hopefully these will have more space for my freakishly long bruised toes. hahahaha